8. MIZ…

There’s a certain magic in those last months before college — that mix of excitement, nerves, and “anything is possible.” For me, it was pure adrenaline. Every time I stepped onto campus before classes even started, it felt like a high. The kind that comes from freedom. From standing somewhere new and thinking, this is where everything changes.

Mizzou was that place for me — or as we’d all chant, MIZ…

It was stepping out of my hometown bubble and into a world that didn’t know my past or my pain. I thought I could finally start fresh. No one to treat me the way I’d been treated before. No one to remind me who I’d been.

But life has a way of showing up wherever you go.

There it was, waiting for me — right at the fraternity door.

Tamie and I were still just high school seniors then, sneaking into her boyfriend’s frat house like we belonged there. We’d hide up in the attic, trying not to laugh too loud as we listened to their meetings. A house full of college boys felt like another planet.

Those weekends are a blur now — loud music, too much drinking, sneaking into bars, and ending every night with Zip’s fries (seriously, nothing compares). Themed parties like Blue Hawaii and Purple Passion turned entire houses into movie sets. I was in awe of it all — the lights, the people, the thrill of being somewhere bigger than the small world I came from.

But deep down, I knew I wouldn’t rush a sorority when it was my turn to start college. That wasn’t my world. I didn’t know the rules, the look, or the confidence it took. I just knew I didn’t feel good enough.

So I found other ways to feel wanted — quick highs, instant validation, fleeting moments that made me forget. I told myself I’d deal with the regret later.

And while I can’t blame anyone else for the choices I made, there were moments when the fun turned sharp — when disregard crossed into something darker.

Looking back, that time was a mix of freedom and warning. It shaped me in ways I couldn’t see then. I thought I was running toward a new life, but really, I was carrying all the old pieces of myself right into it.

That lesson didn’t come easy. But it came.