Muse: It’s OK to Be Pissed

A memory popped up on Facebook today — one of those that used to make me smile and say, “Those were the good days.”

But this time, I stopped myself.

Because they weren’t the good days.

They were the numb days.

The Xanax and vodka days.

The silent house and lonely heart days.

I used to convince myself I was happy then. I told myself I was in love, that we just had our issues, that things would get better once he drank less or I did more. But that wasn’t love — it was me clinging to an illusion because I didn’t want to face the truth.

He lied about me. He told people he was miserable. He played the victim in stories where I was the one quietly breaking. And still, I made excuses.

“Alcohol makes people say things.”

“He’s just hurting.”

“He loves me, he just doesn’t know how to show it.”

But it wasn’t just one relationship. It was a pattern — one I repeated because I didn’t believe I deserved better.

Today, I’m finally saying it out loud: it’s OK to be angry.

It’s OK to look back and say, No. That wasn’t OK.

Because it wasn’t OK when I was thrown on the floor and told, “I’m gonna kill you, bitch.”

It wasn’t OK when people who claimed to love me made me feel small, or crazy, or invisible.

It wasn’t OK when I blamed myself for their choices.

And I’m done pretending it was.

There are always people who will say, “You’re just playing the victim.”

But sometimes… you were the victim.

You were a victim of circumstance, manipulation, or abuse.

And admitting that isn’t weakness — it’s honesty.

Today, I don’t need to numb it or justify it.

I can sit with it. Feel it.

Be pissed. Be hurt. Be healing.

Because this is part of recovery too — realizing you can love yourself enough to say,

That was not OK. I was not OK. But I am now.